HEY PUNKS!
47 active afterlife patents · 0 living employees · retention rate: eternal
hey punks.
we made a ghost hunting app. it uses real sensors on your phone. real AI running on your actual device. real magnetometer data. real microphone input. real neural networks. no cloud. no internet. no excuses.
then we named the instruments F.A.R.T. and W.H.I.F.F. because we are professionals.
Tim from New Jersey says it's the best app he's used since dying. Boo filed a patent on the concept of "smell" and the Afterlife Patent Office accepted it because nobody works there.
— the living dev and his mass of ghost assistants, Boo Labs™
Named by the Boo Labs Naming Committee — a ouija board in a conference room. All names are final. Appeals go to the Afterlife Patent Office. The APO is not accepting appeals at this time (or ever).
G.H.O.S.T. — trademark dispute with an actual ghost.
S.P.I.R.I.T. — seven letters but the budget only covered five.
B.O.O. — Boo filed a cease and desist against himself. Upheld.
R.A.D.A.R. — already taken. Also we have no radar.
v67 shipped. BOO filed the paperwork. Tim lost it. BOO filed it again. Tim lost it again. BOO filed it a third time and cc'd the Afterlife Patent Office. The APO has not opened the email. The APO does not have email.
Apple approved it. This was unexpected. The ghost QA team did not find any bugs. The ghost QA team found one (1) Tim. We shipped it anyway.
six seven.
launched F.A.R.T. and W.H.I.F.F. instruments. the Naming Committee stands by its decisions. appeals denied.
Afterlife Patent Office granted Boo Labs exclusive rights to the concept of "smelling ghosts." we don't know how. neither do they.
W.H.I.F.F. detected a ghost in QA. QA says it was the microwave. W.H.I.F.F. says it's still a ghost. we shipped it.
fixed bug where Boo was too scared to scan bathrooms. Boo is still scared. we just don't tell him anymore.
132,986 ghost phrases. one hundred and thirty two thousand. we had an intern. the intern is no longer with us. unrelated.
Tim from NJ sold three haunted timeshares and a warranty on a haunting that already expired. his commission check from 1847 still hasn't cleared.
Tim now appears 420% more often near motorcycles and fishing spots (RIP king)
Boo accidentally detected the developer's cat as "Hellspawn (98.7% confidence)". kept it as a feature.
on-device inference now runs in 69ms. nice.
F.A.R.T. accidentally broadcast ghost jazz on channel 13 during a board meeting. Boo said it was "a feature preview." no one bought it.
spirit box no longer accidentally orders pizza in Italian. it now orders pizza in Sumerian. we're working on it.
ghost standup meeting lasted four hundred years. still no blockers reported. impressive.
added "Boo got spooked!" error message. he's self-aware now. this is fine. this is all fine.
W.H.I.F.F. detected "existential lavender" as a new smell category. the science team has questions. we have no answers.
F.A.R.T. picked up intern saying "is this thing even real?" from 3 rooms away. haunting. the frequency was 67.420 MHz.
ghost email subject line "urgent: still dead" no longer crashes the notification system
Tim keeps trying to sell insurance to other ghosts. his sales pitch starts with "did you know you're going to die" and honestly it's working.
EMF meter stopped going off every time someone microwaved a hot pocket. Tim's bait shop in purgatory remains unaffected.
Boo Labs annual report: revenue zero, expenses also zero, it evens out. shareholders meeting canceled due to lack of shareholders.
removed AWS. we're free. the ghosts are free. everyone is free. Tim asked if this counts as a tax write off.
the entire codebase is written by one living developer and his mass of ghost assistants. the ghosts are not paid. they are dead. labor laws are unclear.
Boo accidentally emailed his haunting schedule to the living. Boo's password is still password1847. Boo thinks he invented the door slam.
added version number 4.69.420. nice. nice. nice.
replaced all machine learning with a ouija board. accuracy unchanged. latency improved.
ghost Slack is down again. blame the poltergeists. your spectral Jira ticket has been marked as won't fix.
added the F.A.R.T. user agreement. it is seven hundred pages of Latin. nobody reads it. that's the point.
Tim says Jersey is better when you're dead, trust him. Tim's fishing podcast has one listener and it's himself.
ghost orientation video is just static and a faint whisper. this is intended behavior.
shipped. it detects ghosts. probably. the F.A.R.T. smells. the W.H.I.F.F. whiffs. Boo is here and he's doing his best.
created repo. added a README that just says "ghosts." committed. pushed. went to bed. woke up to Tim asking if ghosts get dental.
our engineers spent an unreasonable amount of computational resources generating 132,000 unique phrases for our ghosts to say. we used multiple AI agents running in parallel, 8 foreign languages, 22 different static noise patterns, and 7 text mutation algorithms. the electricity bill was haunting. F.A.R.T. speaks these phrases aloud, through your phone's speaker, directly into the ears of your loved ones.
(the ghosts union demanded better dialogue. we may have overcorrected.)
languages include: Japanese (samurai spirits), German (poltergeist channel), Latin (ancient spirits), Russian (cold war ghosts), Korean, Arabic, French, and Spanish. we recommend installing additional iOS language packs to tune into more spirit channels. this is not a joke. ok it's a little bit of a joke.
seriously don't